I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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