I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
