i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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