I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
