dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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