just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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