Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
