Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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