Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
