I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
