I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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