somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Randomize
