we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
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he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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