Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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