Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize