This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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