Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
