This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
