when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
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