I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
