so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
i think my cat just said my name.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
