Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
