Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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