Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
