Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
