You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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