Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
