Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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