Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
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You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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