i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
