Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
