i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
