He disabled his match.com account in front of me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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