I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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