She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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