Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
