i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i need an iv and a liver transplant
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
