I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
