I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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