Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
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Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
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You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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