he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
