you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
40s are totally the cure
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
