Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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