my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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