AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
