she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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