And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
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