i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
