i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We got so high we made milksteak
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
