So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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