I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
