I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
