Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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