have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
