I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
